Mayhem.

I want to punch someone in the face.  Maybe get punched a few times myself.  I would really like to come away with bruises and bloody knuckles.  Even the idea of re-breaking my nose is beginning to sound appealing.
I would like to say I crave being bad-ass all the time, but that's not so much true.  I mean, I definitely get the odd desire to get into a fight, but I would say that is pretty well suppressed for the most part.  But today I watched "Whip it" and now I miss the pride of showing off a killer welt or the satisfying smack of feeling yourself connect with something solid.  Hard.
It's possible this desire to destroy things and be mutually destroyed is just residual from seeing a bunch of girls get to wail on each other.  It's possible that it comes from some well of repressed violent tendencies that have been ignored because of my gender or societal expectations or the fact that I am a weakling.  It's possible that I just can't fight anyone unless I am in some environment that really says the rules don't exist any more and I am supposed to be mean.  I don't know.  Whatever the reason, I want to fight.
I won't get to though.  There is in all honesty no arena for me to fight in.  Roller-derby looks crazy-appealing, but I don't know if it exists up here.  And I can't roller skate.  I can't even stand on roller skates.  My ability to stay upright, while already tremulous, becomes unalterably impaired.  Too bad.  I would like to think there was some way I could release this aggression.  Maybe I can find a punching bag.
And no.  I don't want some boy, thinking he's being cute, to offer to let me punch him as hard as I can.  This is a stupid offer.  No one ever actually punches a person who makes this offer as hard as they can.  And there are two reasons:  1) Every person in the world overestimates their own strength.  From boys bragging that they might kill people if they really released the full force of their punches to girls claiming they become some badger/kangaroo boxing hybrid when released, people are stupid.  Even I, a girl who probably has to exert myself more than I should to swat at flies, have some deep-seated subconscious belief that if I were to really unleash all my aggression and bad-assery into a punch I would instantly shatter every bone in the poor recipient's body, leaving them a quivering, jello-like mass on the floor.  2) No person in the world wants to actually punch someone as hard as they possibly can to find that as hard as they possibly can has little to no effect on anyone.  I am weak.  Quite weak, even.  But I don't want to know that if I were ever involved in an actual fight, I would be entirely useless.  I want to believe that some stores of adrenaline or latent ferocity would surface and make me an indispensible ally.  So boys, don't offer to let us girls punch you as hard is we can.  It's patronizing, obnoxious, and insulting.  And hopefully someday a strong girl will actually do it and leave you weeping on the floor.
Anyhow, I am going to go attack a pillow or something.