Dear all females.

I learned an extremely important lesson this weekend.  It is so important, in fact, that I feel every female in the world, and any of the rare and possibly non-existent males out there who like Jane Austen, must know.  Wait, I'm not sure I've built up the importance enough.  If there was one thing that you should know, one thing I say that you should listen to, I am nearly certain it would be this.  I can't think of anything that could possibly trump this short of knowledge of an impending disaster that will end all life as we know it.  Ok.  Here it comes:

Do not ever, ever, ever watch the movie "Lost in Austen".  It is the worst movie ever created.  It is not possible for a movie to be any worse.

This is not bad in the sense of the "so bad it's funny" type of movie.  This is bad in the "O my sweet Lord, how is it possible that this is getting worse?  There was no way for it to be any worse than it just was but somehow it is!  How is it...what are they...AUGH!  MY BRAIN!" kind of way.

Let me quickly summarize this and why it is so very awful.  I was tricked into getting it from the library because I saw it was about a girl who got sucked into Pride and Prejudice.  "I love that book!", I naively thought to myself.  "This movie has potential to be vastly amusing!"

It was not vastly amusing.

This screenplay brought to you by the Prince of Darkness.

The girl who gets sucked into the book is the worst and possibly stupidest person ever.  She destroys everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  She is a slutty imbecile who, though she has apparently read this book more than actually living a life, has not the slightest idea of how to act like a normal person.  I doubt she is capable of acting normal even in the real world.  How could she destroy everything, you ask? 
In the course of this movie:
-Jane marries a sexually deviant Mr. Collins
-Bingley becomes an alcoholic and runs away with Lydia
-Wickham is actually the (only) good guy
-Darcy's little sister is an evil conniving little snot of a thing
-Mr. Bennett nearly dies after fighting Mr. Bingley
-Elizabeth disappears into our world and becomes a nanny
-Darcy is an ass.  Just an ass.  The only bit of sense he shows is in initally hating our main girl with an intense passion which he then loses to fall in love with her because this movie is the epitome of suck.
-Charlotte dies alone in Africa.
-Caroline Bingley is a lesbian.

Yes.  All that awfulness is in one movie.  I didn't think it was possible either.

What makes this all worse (if that's possible) is that this movie is ETERNAL.  It was almost three hours long!  So many times we were about to stop it but then we would think "we've come so far.  It must end soon.  Surely it is almost done because they can't possibly destroy things any more than this."  But they could.  And they did.  FOREVER.

Lesson to all: never watch this film.  Not ever.  If you find copies of it, burn them.  My soul is slightly more dead now.

Also, I am so sorry to Erica and Elizabeth.  I hope you can forgive me for doing this to you.

I'm going to go read the book or something just to be sure that movie has not swept through some horrific vortex and destroyed it.