my life is one of indecision...

...and turmoil.

How many of these posts have something to do with freaking out and growing up?  Any of them?  All of them?

Fabulous.  Here's another.

I am in the midst of serious big-kid stuff.  I took the LSAT in December.  I got my scores back.  I started applying to some law schools.  I have been compulsively checking the mail and email every hour since I sent off those applications (Tyler says it will probably take at least a few weeks, but it can't.  Obviously, these schools need to be made aware of my delicate condition:  a condition of constant stress and panic and a complete lack of any patience).

I am making a decision that will likely shape the whole future course of my life, y'all (threw that in for my Texas friend.  And because it's fun to say).  This is career-choosing.  I am picking the career that I will conceivably be doing for the rest of my life.  This determines how many hours I work each week (a lot), how stressed out my job will make me (very), how much free time I will have to spend with Tyler and our hypothetical progeny (less).

Yes, our kids will be exactly this awesome.

I'm just saying, this is a lot to take in for the girl that still fights with Tyler each night over who has to pick what movie we are watching.  Least decisive couple in existence.

So my little freak-out is totally understandable, right?  It's totally normal for me to be mourning the loss of my future as a world-famous and universally loved actress.  Sure, I am not skinny enough, talented enough, or really driven in that field at all, but up to this point RUNNING AWAY TO HOLLYWOOD TO GET RICH AND FAMOUS HAS BEEN AN OPTION.  I am killing that option.  It is dying.  I will never be the next Jennifer Lawrence now (though, come on, did you see Silver Linings Playbook?  No one tops that level of crazy-awesome).

Seriously, fabulous.  You don't even know.

 

That back-up plan of just throwing away this whole education thing and becoming a singer?  Gone.  Becoming the voice of our generation through my brilliantly biting rhetoric?  Over.  Well, probably.  I seem to find ways to cling to this stuff even as I'm closing my own doors.

The point is, adulthood keeps creeping up on me.  Every time I make one of these eventually unavoidable decisions, I am picking a door.  Once I go with door number three, doors one and two are no longer options.  My choices just got narrowed.  Even if through door number three is a series of new doors, I still have lost all the doors that were behind one and two.

Does this make sense?  Or is this game show talk spinning out of sense?

I realize this is all pretty normal stuff and all of us have to do it as we get older.  I just seem to be making these choices and then regressing into a four-year-old mentality.

"I don't wanna."

(Story of my life right there.  Seriously, ask my family about the London layover sometime.  Ask Tyler if I am ever pointlessly stubborn.  The stories they could tell...actually, don't ask them.  I am angelic)

I guess the realization for me here is I may not wanna, but that's just too damn bad.  Choices are being made.  Life is being narrowed.  Now I just need to make sure I get better at committing to my choices.  Being solid in what I've chosen and running with it.  And I think I can do that.

My next movie choice will be The Saint.  Prepare yourself for some fabulously terrible romance, Tyler.