This blog is inspired by my wonderful friend Lindsay. She posted this awesome blog about something I deal with a lot: the idea that there are some things that I just can't do.
Now, admittedly, there are a few things I actually cannot do. I can't beat...well, anyone in a foot race (I'm working on it, ok?). I can't be a spy (at least not without some serious lessons in stealth). I can't support the consumption of marmite (seriously. Why does that even exist?). But most things I say I can't or couldn't do, I definitely could. For some reason, I have this mindset that if something doesn't come easily to me, it must mean that I just shouldn't do it. Maybe I thought that if I wasn't a prodigy in some area, I shouldn't be allowed to even try. But the thing is, even things I am good at (or, you know, decent at) I don't pursue. I don't try. I let things go without ever attempting to make them happen.
There are so many things I completely gave up on that I didn't need to. I liked writing, but because I didn't immediately come up with great ideas and I got bored, I stopped trying. I loved singing, but for some reason I got so intimidated by all the other singers around me that I never even sing in front of my friends, much less perform. Tyler didn't even know I sang until he came to my friend's wedding with me and heard me singing. Art was fun and relaxing and wonderful and I have created exactly nothing since moving to Pullman. I have all my stuff. All of it. And I do nothing.
It's not just activities either. It's big goals. Things like wanting to go to grad school or try for a big job. Things like the incredibly basic goal of deciding what I want to do. I am so jealous of my friends who decide they want to do something and just do it. I have such a strong tendency to talk myself out of anything I am interested in.
I really have no excuse. I can't whine that my life has been tough or no one supported me or blah, blah, blah. I really can blame no one but myself. I crush my own ideas. Sure, I could say that it's some sort of self-defense mechanism. Maybe it is. But I think that largely it's due to me being lazy and not wanting to try. So that's enough of that. No more excuses. No whining that it's hard, or it's scary, or I can't, I can't, I can't...
I am now making a Lindsay-list. I am joining Lindsay's Project I-Could-Never. I have to decide that I am actually going to try the things I always said I couldn't do. You know what? Maybe I'll find out that some of those things I really can't (or shouldn't) do. But at least I will know for sure and I will not ever have to worry that I missed out on something great because I was too afraid.
Here is my list. And I think all of you (the whole...I don't know...ten of you who read this) should join me. Please let me know how things go for you. I want to hear wonderful things that we all discover we actually can do.
1-I could never sing alone in front of strangers: seriously, why not? I did that all the time in high school. Why is that suddenly frightening? Goal: I will perform at least at a coffee shop around here or something. I always thought I couldn't do it because my voice is average or because I can't write my own music so...you know what?
2-I could never write my own song: I should probably try before I get upset about that. I have a guitar, I have free time. It's time for this to happen. And if I'm worried about my lyrics being stupid, that's fine. I can get over it. Last open-mic night at the bar, I had to listen to a boy sing about mayonnaise. I can't possibly do worse than that.
3-I could never decently play the guitar: well, no, not if you never practice. ever. I am making a practice schedule so I will actually play that thing. I just have to figure out how to tune it. don't worry, guys. I'm on it.
4-I could never cook well: I have a list of recipes, I have a fully-functioning kitchen, and I have a week of Tyler out of town so no one suffers from my mistakes but me. Cooking time.
5-I could never write anything interesting: I really have no excuse for this besides being lazy. I even have an idea. I just don't make myself sit down and start. No mas. I am going to schedule writing-time into that guitar-practicing schedule. No escape. And if I end up being incredibly embarrassed by it, I don't have to share it with anyone.
6-I could never show anyone stuff I try to write: Ok, fine, I have to share it with someone. But I maintain it does not need to be shared with a lot of people.
7-I could never figure out what I want to do with my life: Well, I'll be a little nice to myself here. I don't need to have it set in stone. But I do have to start researching and exploring options and jobs and figure out at least what I am interested in. Grad school? Career? Etc.? Something has to be on the horizon. Besides just the horizon.
8-I could never learn another language: Time to start actually using that Rosetta Stone.
9-I could never successfully play Halo: Maybe I will make Tyler re-teach me that madness where both my thumbs have to be functioning independently at all times. Damn double-thumbs.
10-I could never like Marmite: No. Seriously, no. I really can't like that stuff. It's like essence of anchovy drowned in salt and tar. No. Just no.
I will be adding to this. Please send me advice, encouragement, mockery, whatever.
And if you don't know what it is, this is marmite.
It's made of beer byproduct and the tears of children. And puppies.
Ugh. Marmite.
No comments:
Post a Comment