Well, that is really directed at no one but myself. It is my own fault I watch the show, it is my own fault I am mired in its shallow waters, and it is my own fault that I feel such a sense of shame about it. I am talking, of course, about America's Next Top Model.
Why?
The show is ridiculous. Really, it is. In its many, many cycles (they are currently on cycle 16), they have yet to produce someone that is actually a "household name" or even "easily recognizable". They are producing "Another Average Model", not top models. But the false advertising is just one of its many silly parts.
Tyra has swung back into the realm of normal human in this season, but in previous cycles she has exhibited behaviors that made me seriously believe she had some mental-health issues. The "goddess" theme in cycle 12 was very what-the-crap. The talking about herself for every possible situation...ok, that hasn't stopped. The cycle where she wore a jumpsuit to every single judging panel? Why? And every cycle gives us another few moments of her doing some completely over-the-top "acting" thing that is supposed to have a point but never does.
Is...is this fierce?
The judging itself is 100% arbitrary. They will tell one girl they are letting her go because she doesn't want it enough and another girl that they are letting her go because she wants it too much. They constantly criticize girls that are not loud and crazy by saying that they have no personality (because apparently that's why models are famous. personality. not their bodies or anything). They will fawn over hideous pictures of girls they like and pick apart great pictures of girls they don't like. If you are strange-looking, congratulations. Victory is coming. If you are what the rest of the world would call "pretty" or "beautiful", you are in some trouble.
But really, none of that matters. The judges know which girl they like early in the competition and once they decide who they want to win, performance has nothing to do with it. This works great in situations where that person is actually skilled and likeable (Naima, Ann, Nicole, Danielle, Caridee...), but is infuriating when the person is average or obnoxious (Whitney, Saleshia, Teyona, Krista...). Yes, I know, it is stupid to get even remotely invested in a reality show, but no one likes it when the bad guy wins. We like to pretend that talent actually matters. And you wouldn't think there would be any form of talent involved in getting dressed up pretty and standing in front of a camera, but I promise you, they will find a way to make it look like the most difficult thing these girls have ever faced (and for some, depressingly, it is). Apparently, you can suck at being a human prop. I swear, if Tyra tells girls to "smize" one more time...
Here is a brilliant diagram of what Top Model thinks makes a good model. Thank you, cracked.com.
It's sad because it's true.
Then we get into the madness of what happens in the show. Any given cycle is a crap-shoot of contestants. You never know whether you will be watching likeable human beings or shrieking harpies trying to consume one another's souls. Several cycles feature nearly no one for the audience to cheer for (I am looking at you, cycle 14). All cycles will feature a resident bitch and several catfights. And the structure includes the obligatory reality-show confessional booth where people say shockingly stupid and bitchy and just outright awful things to the camera, apparently forgetting that THEY ARE ON A TV SHOW AND PEOPLE WILL SEE WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. You would think they would have some vestigial desire to be remotely likeable, but apparently not. Every cycle you will hear someone with the "I'm not here to make friends" line. While this may be true (it is a competition in theory), that does not excuse becoming the most-hated person ever.
The show also features various challenges. Some seem to have a point (teaching them creative poses or how to conduct interviews), while others are clearly ridiculous gimmicks. The worst offenders are the runway challenges. Runway challenges have included: walking a runway with a live roach attached to your body, walking on a foot-wide runway on water in a giant plastic hamster ball, walking a sped-up moving-sidewalk runway, walking a runway blindfolded, and walking a runway while giant pendulums are swinging at you. It's like they are asking for some kind of injury settlement.
This happened.
The photos range from cool to creepy to why-would-you-do-that? I will let you pick the category on some of these: being fake vampires in a bathtub full of fake blood. Taking a picture with live snakes or a live tarantula on your face. Taking pictures while covered in bees (yes, bees. Those bugs that sting). Taking pictures while dressed and made-up as a person of a different race (this has happened more than once). I could go on so much longer, but that would be boring for everyone. There are weird ones.
One of the more hilarious challenges is that each cycle, the girls have to shoot a Covergirl commercial. They sometimes get prompters, they sometimes have to memorize scripts, but whichever case, I know there is no way it is nearly as difficult as they make it. People completely break down, freak out, panic, sob off their makeup, go into curse-laden rants, etc. I try to feel sympathy sometimes. I understand stage fright. I understand being dyslexic and having trouble memorizing. But, seriously. For the vast majority of contestants, it is not. that. hard. It's just painful to watch sometimes. Really.
Stop it.
But you may ask me, "Calli, if you get so annoyed by the show, a show clearly designed to exploit the shallowness and vapidity of the fashion industry (which you also consider pretty much worthless), why do you watch it?" And to that I would respond, "Largely, because I can't stop." That's right, my friends. I am addicted. I feel shame, of course. Embarrassment. Frustration. But I can't stop. I must know what ridiculous thing will happen next. I must know if there is anyone involved that I might actually be a fan of. I must be there to yell at the Tyra on my tv screen as she turns every possible situation into something about her (hello, narcissism). And I must talk with my friends about how ridiculous the show was tonight and can you BELIEVE what they did and how this person acted and who got eliminated?
It's stupid, I know. But it's my guilty pleasure. I know it is shallow. I know that, very possibly, it is actively killing my brain cells. But I don't watch other reality shows. I don't watch jersey shore because it makes my soul vomit. This is my pathetic little rant-session.
Speaking of which, I am going to watch the next episode right now.
Don't worry, guest judge. We don't get it either.
You are welcome.
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