Up to this point in the land of blog (I refuse to use the term "blogosphere"), I have attempted to be humorous in all my stories for you, dear reader. I want to amuse you, make you laugh, and not turn this thing into some sort of cyber-journal for baring far more of my soul than any would ever care to know. I still promise to never descend into sickening junior high poetry ("no one understands me", "my life is a black abyss", "I am trapped in a circling vortex of black darkness that is o-so dark and black", etc.) but today I am introspective and I thought I would throw my introspection out there and see if anyone else is feeling it or if I am a melancholy ball of psychosis.
The main point of the aforementioned introspection is the feeling of being lost. I think lost is the wrong word. Maybe directionless? Rudderless? Adrift? I don't know. The real issue is that suddenly I don't have a next step. Prior to this point there has always been a next step. I will explain.
Elementary school comes before middle school. Middle school comes before high school. After high school, go to college. And after college...what? Well, ideally you get a job in your field. Sciencey people go into medicine or research or whatever else those sciencey people do. Teaching majors get teaching jobs. Political scientists go into law or politics or something. Theater majors...do theatery things. Peace studies majors go join a commune or a non-profit or a protest group or something. The real dilemma here is that even in majors that have a logical next step after school, people do different things. We pick up jobs in dental offices or schools or libraries or restaurants and we say it's just until we move on. But move on to what?
I don't have a next step. I don't have a goal. I have no clue what I want to do. I don't want to work in the dentist office forever even though it is a good job with good pay and nice people. I want to do what my major said I could, broad and beautiful concepts of changing the world and making a difference and saving little pieces of humanity wherever I find them. But even though I knew I wanted those broad, beautiful things, I never knew how I was going to achieve them. Do I move to an orphanage in Africa? Go teach in China? Head to Northern Ireland and try to make myself useful in some sort of community work? Go build houses in South America? Work in projects somewhere in the states? I have nothing. No leads. No answers. No clue.
I know this sounds a little self-pitying and I don't mean it to be that way. I mean even less to somehow blame others for not warning me that I would suddenly have no advisors or instructors. I knew college would end. I knew real life would happen. My lack of decision is my fault. But what to do? Reality hits hard. Do I want more school? Sure, I would probably enjoy that. But I have to know what I am going to school for. Do I want to work for some non-profit and feel like my life is making a difference? Absolutely. But I still have to pay my rent and insurance and buy food. In this economy, I am thankful that I have a job and it feels almost selfish to complain that it is not fulfilling, that I want more.
But I do.
I want to do something that will make me feel that even if I die tomorrow, I will have done something that matters. I want to leave work feeling fulfilled or accomplished even when I am drained and exhausted. I want to feel that sense of purpose, that drive, that motivation that I felt when I was in school: that I was working towards something.
And I really want to not be the only one who feels directionless and confused right now.
Sorry this was not amusing. I will amuse you later. Now to determine what kind of pizza I eat tonight.
Oho no, you're not the only one! I'm positive it's a very common phenomenon to feel like the rug's been swept from under you once you no longer have the safety of the Next Step. I feel a bit that way, too, and my answer to myself is For goodness sake, just enjoy life while you are young, Michelle. I mean, it certainly doesn't erase the worry, but it helps a little. Because you know, twenty-something is really The Age to a) not know what the heck you're doing, and to b) enjoy life.
ReplyDelete(Also, thank you for baring your soul. I began my blog with the intent of being exclusively amusing, but I gave in to the temptation of Journaling far sooner than you! And I completely agree with your avoidance of writing the word "blogosphere," the use of which I think may be stooping too close to the baseness of being trendy. Although, quite regrettably, blogs themselves are trendy. Eah, c'est la vie.)
What Michelle said.
ReplyDeleteCalli, please rest assured that you are absolutely not the only one who feels directionless and confused right now. We are a far and wide reaching community, Oh We Of The Directionally Challenged! And while I know that simply being in the company of the similarly lost is not exactly helpful, know that I enjoy the insight on life that you, my fellow drifter, have to share.
And let me know what else I should read. The Laurie was a hit! In fact, if you'd like, I'm considering starting a long-distance confrence-Skype based book club. Could be fun, right?