How to find a good book.

I think I am actually going to make two lists here.  One will be the ways that a normal human being would find a good book to read.  I do use some of these methods occasionally.  The second will be how I find new books.  I do this slightely more often than is normal.

List One:  The Usual.
1)  Read what the New York Times says is the best book to come out ever, what is selling most quickly this particular week or month, or what is most provocative (read: impossible to understand or thinly veiled political commentary).  If you get whatever is selling most quickly at the moment, prepare yourself for the possibility that you will be immersed in horrible drivel that may take from you the desire to live.  Preteens apparently buy more books than I had anticipated.

2)  Read what Oprah tells you.  I hear she likes good things occasionally.  And sometimes she likes life stories that are not really life stories but pretend life stories about a life that was not actually lived but made for such a good book that apparently that does not really matter.  Can't we just change the classification to "fiction" and move on?  No?  O... ok.

3)  Read what is put out on the front tables at Borders or Barnes and Noble.  Some of them must be interesting.  You would think.  I mean, they are placed in the coveted table position.

4)  Read books recommended by friends, family, and random strangers that look like they have good taste in books.

5)  Read books recommended to you by a love interest so you can appear compatible even in your taste in literature.  It will just add to the overwhelming evidence that you are meant to be together.

List Two:  The Unusual or Things I Do

1)  Go onto the public library's catalog online.  Begin to type in random words that you are vaguely interested in, liked at some point, or sound amusing ("penguin", "new zealand", "the modern rap movement").  Read through the list of books that pop up and write down the titles of any that sound potentially entertaining.  Go forth and read them.

2)  Walk aimlessly up and down rows of shelves, pulling out and examining any book with a brightely colored or otherwise eye-catching cover.  The most highly visible books must be the best ones, right?  Be sure to wander through the non-fiction section too!  How else are you going to find the ultimate guide to fanfiction?

3)  Close your eyes, spin, and point in a direction.  Walk in that direction until you come in contact with a shelf.  Browse shelf.

4)  Grab a stack of books.  Use as giant dominoes.  Check out whatever you can grab before the librarian throws you out for "misuse of reading material".

5)  Find the authors whose last names are closest to your own last name.  Read their books.  All of them.

6)  Move on to authors closest to your first name.  It's fun!  And the books only suck about half the time.

7)  Take books off the library's return cart.  If someone just checked them out they must be good.

8)  Explore the nooks and corners of the library for books that enterprising folk might have left there.

*Fun activity!  Hide books throughout the library in random nooks and corners.  They will serve as a pleasant surprise to folk who explore random nooks and corners and this will keep the librarians on their toes.

**Also of note:  librarians do not appear overly fond of this fun activity.

Well, you now have two lists!  Go forth, my highly-literate minions, and read!