I have been jokingly referring to this summer as "summer of the wedding". This is largely due to the four weddings we have gone to and the many others that we were invited to but unable to go to. Matrimony is catching, apparently.
Always be prepared.
However, attending these weddings made me even more sentimental at my own anniversary (ONE YEAR! I totally qualify as an old married person now). I guess seeing how these marriages are beginning, so filled with love and friends and family (and, in the best cases, some serious revelry) makes me happy. Everyone is so excited and full of the incredible hope and optimism that comes with the beginning of anything new and I remember standing in that same place.
I remember a day filled with color and laughing and the people I love most. I remember standing next to this boy who had been a stranger, a friend, a crush, a boyfriend, and a fiance (not to mention a whole plethora of other titles like "a resident music-expert" and "that kid with the 'fro and piercings who lives in the basement") and being so filled with all my nervous excitement and happiness and a little niggling terror that there was just no way we were grown-up enough for this sort of thing. And then he held my hand at the altar and the terror left. That whole day is filled with a million little moments that combine to make the beginning of something beautiful for me. The sun hitting us through the leaves of the tree, grass and dance-floor beneath bare feet, sunglasses under a veil, toasts and laughter and tears, my dad's face as we got ready to walk down the aisle, the color and light on every table and in every face and surrounding us the whole night, the hugs and cheers and singing and dancing and dancing and dancing...
And dancing...
Of course, being married isn't all parties and dancing. Sometimes it's cleaning and cooking and laundry - the boring stuff. Sometimes it's the beautifully simple things, like enjoying a meal, watching a movie, reading our books, taking a walk, all of them somehow better because they are done together. Sometimes it's arguing and frustrating each other and wondering why you can't seem to communicate the way you want to. Sometimes, for me, it is standing back and wondering in total shock how I can possibly be so erratic and neurotic and combative. And sometimes, it's just me being extremely grateful that he can still find ways to love me and make me laugh at the moments that I feel the least loveable.
He sees something adorably prickly when I am really just prickly.
In this year of marriage, I have learned some very important things.
1) I am not a marriage expert. If people ever ask me for relationship advice, I hope it's because I am a friend and not because they think marriage has made me some sort of expert. Many days, all I am learning is that I really don't know what I am doing. Tyler and I just have to suffer through trial-and-error together.
I see where we went wrong here...
2) Friends are important. I don't care how much you love being with your honey-bun, or snookums, or whatever you call that person you're nuts about. You are going to need someone else to hang out with sometimes. Quite frankly, I hate being social. It takes a ton of energy for me and I like saving all my energy for the relationship. But that's not healthy. How can I be a balanced person if all I do is hang out with one person? Other people bring out different sides of a person's personality. I love watching Tyler interact with other people because I get to see parts of who he is I don't always get when we are alone. You need someone to be around when you just need a break from the other person. On that note...
3) You need breaks from each other. One of the things I love about Tyler is that he doesn't treat our relationship like a skin graft. He is perfectly aware that we are still two individuals and we need time away from each other. He needs to go off and camp with the boys or play that madden game or do whatever else it is boys do. I need to be able to watch a chick flick without defending it and read books and laugh about stupid celebrity gossip and top model. I am aware of how stereotypically gendered those things sound, but the point is that somethings are fun for us to do without the other person. Tyler wants to play his madden without my players running in circles or hopping in place on one side of the football field because I can't remember how to do anything else with the buttons. I want to watch cheesy movies and catch up with my friends about things that just flat-out do not interest Tyler. We enjoy lots of things together, but it's good to have things that are separate.
Even with this design, Tyler is strangely resistant to having his toenails painted.
4) Remind them that you are excited to be with them. Seeing someone every day changes things from when you were dating. I no longer panic about looking cute all the time because Tyler has seen me with bedhead. Tyler doesn't feel like he needs to take me to the ballet for every date (yeah, he seriously did that). But he still does a great job at making me feel like he's nuts about me. The man cooks for me all the time. He made me one of my favorite meals for our anniversary. He sneakily does the laundry while I am at work because once (once!) I whined that I hated having to wait for the machines to be done. He is a pro.
5) Be aware that you are going to screw up. No matter how hard I try, I am never going to be a perfect wife. Some days, I am grouchy and whiny and lazy. Sometimes I am completely oblivious to his moods. Sometimes, I blow up and say mean things that I instantly wish I could take back. Often I have no idea how to express to him that I love him or how to be more helpful, more productive, more social, more organized, more...more something. I mess up. I'm new at this. He never seems to hold it against me though. If anything, he somehow manages to see my hopelessly bumbling attempts at good wifery as kind of adorable.
I will be the BEST WIFE EVER!
6) Be stubborn. No, not about stupid things, like which Game of Thrones character should end up on top (it's obviously Shaggydog), but about being in your relationship. I'm the kind of stubborn person where if I lock onto an idea, nothing is going to make me change my mind about it. Tyler and I are staying together: locked in. I will defend him to anyone: locked in. I will always have his back: locked in. I will start sneaky-doing the laundry while he is busy: ...we'll see.
I will be the ninja of laundry.
I still have a ridiculous amount to learn. I can't even believe how good Tyler is at being a husband while I am still desperately trying to figure out how to be a wife (also, how to be a grown-up). But I can say with absolute certainty that from the wedding to today, I have never had any second thoughts about the decision to marry my best friend. It's been crazy and silly and wonderful and fun and chaotic and I wouldn't change a single minute of it.
I love you, Tyler.
**note to readers: I apologize profusely for the sappiness.**
