The Edge of Uncivilization: July 2011

...just so I don't mislead you folks.

This is me today. But I look more ridiculous and less badass.

Unfortunately for me, I have a sick tendency to focus on things that I am fully aware will just make me sad. The past few days, my topic of choice has been "what the hell am I supposed to be doing with myself?" It's a fairly depressing topic that has led to pessimistic reflection not only about myself, but about my entire generation.

I'm going to re-warn you: this may be both whiny and depressing. Sorry.

I don't know what I am doing. At all. Now, I thought I had reached the point in my life where I would be comfortable with not really knowing what was going to happen or having a plan, but I am not. I want there to be a plan. I want to go back to when I was in school and I knew that after this year came another year of classes and learning things. But school was all supposed to be preparation for the "real world", right? Then WHY DO I SUCK AT BEING IN THE REAL WORLD!?!

I am worse at being in the real world than this guy is at spelling.

I was good at school. Life should not be this overwhelming or difficult for me. And you know what? Some days it's not. Some days I am fine with where I am right now. But then someone asks me what I am doing next year or what my future plans are or if I'm going back to school or what I want for my career and I completely panic.

I've got nothing. I have no idea what I am doing. I got married after college and, yes, that affected what I am currently doing. If I am honest, though, I don't know what I would be doing with myself even if I hadn't gotten married. I am checking insurance and making appointments in an office. It's a great job. I have great hours, work with good people, get good pay. I am lucky to have a job in this economy, to be honest. But I definitely do not want to keep doing this any longer than I have to. And I think that might make me a horrifying combination of spoiled, disillusioned, apathetic, and naive.

Though, admittedly, that's still not as terrible a combination as the double-down.

Look, I am not trying to make this a session where I whine that it is all the world's fault for doing this to me. I guess I am saying it's kind of my fault for buying into the idea that everyone will get into some career that they are passionate about and excited about working on every day. If that was true, we wouldn't have receptionists. Or janitors. Or really any job that involves a cubicle. And while those jobs are not fun to brag about, we do need them.

So why did I always assume that I would be an exception to that? Because I have a ridiculous sense of entitlement ingrained in me that makes me believe the rules apply to everyone else. I see this in others all the time and I always mock it. My rudderless panic at having a perfectly respectable job seems to point out that I am the same way. Damn.

I also like being able to say I am doing something that sounds meaningful or brave or just cool. I want to say I am doing some job that helps change the world or that I am heading off to other countries or that I am doing anything besides what I am actually doing: watching movies and tv, reading books, playing board games, making meals, hanging with friends, and only doing these things between the forty hours a week where I am at work.

Basically, I have grown up. But not into a cool, rebellious adult. Into an adult exactly like every other adult.

Even we don't know why we still believe we are cool.

I think the most frustrating part is not even that the job I have now is not a kick-ass job that I want to do the rest of my life. It's that I have no idea what I want to be doing. I don't even have a goal. Whenever people ask me what I'm doing I just say I might be going back to school, but what's the point of that if I don't know what I would go to school for or what I want to do once it's done? I can't go to school forever. It's just putting off the inevitable job-hunt while sinking lower into debt. Not a solid life-plan. I don't want to become some sort of sad Peter-Pan figure stuck in adolescent limbo forever where I refuse to admit that life can't keep going the same way it was when I was a kid. Responsibilities happen. Life happens. If I put off making a decision forever, eventually that becomes a decision to stay in a life I just don't care that much about.

Sweet Lord, that's depressing.

One perverse comfort I have in all of this is that I know other people are going through the same thing. Tons of my friends are clueless and rudderless and freaked out as well. These are not lazy friends, but intelligent, driven, terrific people with wicked senses of humor and completely functional social skills. And none of us know what we are doing.

Generation X, you didn't go away. We became you, just more neurotic.

In an effort to end this with something resembling happiness, I am composing a playlist for the lost. Listen to it while you wallow in madness and maybe we will all eventually escape mediocrity together.

This music goes out to my generation. We are stuck and tired and confused and clueless about everything we thought we should definitely know by now. We are freaked out and strung out and pulled out of the timelines and schedules and boxes we made for ourselves when we thought we could do anything. We are angry without knowing what to be angry about, scared without knowing what it is we fear, feeling pointless and not knowing if there was ever a point to begin with.

Don't worry, guys. The music will save us for a while. And then, we will grow up and learn how to save ourselves.

Passion Pit - Sleepyhead

The National - Mistaken for Strangers

Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes

Mumford & Sons - Lover of the Light

Florence + the Machines - Rabbit Heart

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Into My Arms

Bob Dylan - A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall

Glen Hansard - Leave

Damien Rice - Cannonball

Regina Spektor - Human of the Year

David Ford - There is a Light that Never Goes Out